You choose your boss! - inherited patterns [case study]

In my series of fable-like stories, the story of Noah is an exciting, exotic, but not easy story. Through this story, I want to show how influence a person's life through inherited patterns, the power of our subconscious.

Ostrich policy?

Before we go into a deep dive, let me present and share some studies and personal experiences. For my part, it is also acceptable for someone not to do a deep "relationship" study and thus take the seemingly easier route. Why apparently? Because we may be going through our daily lives relatively smoothly now, even if we suffer a loss, we can still find some reasonable explanation for why our fate has turned out this way. 

My dillemma with this is that bury our heads in the sand: we live in a "can't hear", "can't see" role, which our descendants will see the damage. Then the we act according to an inherited pattern, we live our daily lives according to it. These "samples" decide for us, overriding our real needs. What conscientious parent would want a worse, unhappier life for their child? Certainly not a sane one. 

A little theory

There are, according to scientists Dr David Hawkins and psychologist Mark Wollyn, inherited patterns that exist outside our consciousness, which are triggered by fixed belief systems. I will try to put in a nutshell the results of their research, which I have experienced myself.

 Let's take the example of a child, with all its innocence. A a young child trusts his parents and all things related to them, systems, in relationships, even when parents watch TV or commercials. A child sees and feels everything from his parents, trusts that it is the right thing to do. 

So every adult, teacher, educator who surrounds the child is, in his opinion, almost sacred and inviolable. The child identifies with the knowledge and programmes that surround him. For example, if a parent tells a student that you don't know this, or a teacher tells a student to follow only his solution, otherwise the discrepancy will be reflected in his marks, or a friend tells him that the only way to be rich is to be dishonest, etc..

He believes these statements because of his innocence as a child, and later, "applies" it in adulthood, incorporates it, fixes it in his heart, in his mind. The child believes that he cannot know something, cannot be rich, must go into robot mode if he does not want to be punished, etc..

The child's brain works just like the hardware of a computer, running whatever program is installed on it. The characteristics of the hardware do not change. Even if the program is faulty, the hardware remains the same.

You are probably thinking that "none of this is true". Then I ask you, where does this idea come from? Have you ever been told not to trust strangers, or to base your opinions on what others say or hear? Does it sound familiar that you are safe if you don't put yourself out there or you will be hurt or attacked? Always keep 10 paces away, don't give yourself away!

The adult retains that same childlike consciousness, knowledge, ability, program, what he has ever heard, felt, experienced...

System, or the system of our connections

From ourselves - our relationships  would be worth a whole read, but in short it means that the I+ my family relationships, history we are fully aware of, we see the connections in external events and happenings beyond the rational mind. 

I've read countless books with scientifically based studies, many of them easy to digest, and some of them more difficult, which you may feel a heaviness around your chest while reading. Personally, out of curiosity, I always go for the harder ones. I know that there can be physical pain from the realisations, but after the healing phase you feel a sense of lightness, calm and abundance. The feeling of freedom is impossible to describe in a nutshell.

But after that introduction, let's move on to the story of Noah, where I'll give you a concrete demonstration of what I've described above. 

It's my boss's fault!

So he started...e.g. I suggest something to my boss, then he asks some other external engineering experts behind my back about the same thing, and he pays me more than my salary. He gets the same answer I suggested to my boss before. Afterwards my boss throws up to me how much it cost him to ask an outside expert. When I tell my boss that he is to blame because he did not agree with me, he did not trust me, who is the project manager, the 2nd person in the company... He does not answer anything. He is annoyed that he doesn't give me the truth.

Because of your bad decisions, the deadline project is slipping, you will end up losing a lot, you won't listen to me. I have saved you hundreds of millions of dollars in losses and you are ungrateful. In addition, when I hold a co-op where all the senior managers are there including the subcontractor managers, he presents my ideas as if they were his.

Noah and I talked for a long time about the problems at work. As HR , interviewer we went through all his workplaces to see where was he really good?

In fact, it all started well, it seemed so nice... then came the conflicts with the management.

Conflicts replayed

• they did not listen to Noah
• Noah was a victim of bad decisions
• or the company/project you worked on has gone out of business
• the company became insolvent, Noah was the victim of redundancies, etc..

The distant past

The picture was starting to come together for me, but it was too early to tell Noah, as he has to make the connections....

- I would like to help, but I would also need you to tell me about your current family/relationship situation! - I said to Noah.

- "My parents live far away, I left them, I married here, I have 2 children...", Noah said briefly.

My intuition was further heightened by Noah's response. 2 words struck my ear that were sad, heart wrenching. Just because someone is a leader, doesn't mean they're okay. 
The mapping of my work , to the point of realisation is often full of bitter stories that touch you, yet the end of the tale always turns into such a beautiful, calm, rounded story. That's why I love, love my work. I often find that when they come in to see me, it is as if they have been crying, as if they have come back from a funeral, and then when they leave I see a smile, a light in their eyes - it makes me happy.

Going back to Noah, I didn't want to ask him about his current relationship with his wife and children, because he didn't bring it up...

I then asked Noah to tell me about when he wasn't working, when he was young or when he was a child, what good and not so good memories he had...

...and the family

-The tightness of the family purse has always haunted me. I fondly remember my grandmother's cooking. The place where I was born was politically unpredictable, we were always prepared for the possibility of war. My dad always worked, my mum usually didn't, there were three of us children at home, we had to cook and keep house. Our family circumstances in my home were not very bright, I saw little, talked to my dad, I was more with my mum, grandmother more, they were the ones who coordinated the family. It was so nice when the whole family went to the sea together, or Christmas... I long for those times.

- I was already working in my current profession at the age of 17, cleaning up after workers, my uncles were engineers, I wanted to be like them, so I chose this career, this profession. - Noah said.

- I helped my brothers and sisters wherever I could, because I was the eldest in the family and it was my duty to help.

Something stabbed me in the heart again... "it is my duty to help". As it turned out, Noah had worked for his blood family since his late teens, and he helped around the house when there were chores to do. He had to grow up fast, which meant going to fewer parties with his mates.

- Then I was about 25 when I met my wife, we moved here soon after and had two children. I'm proud of them, they're good, they help their mother a lot with the housework, because I work so much that I don't have time for anything, my energy is sapped by my job.

- What does your wife do? - I asked.

- Lately, he has been able to spend less time on his business because he has a lot to do with children. But he is an entrepreneur anyway, he can afford to take a break.

- And is your wife happy to do this? - I asked Noah.

- "Not really," he replied briefly.

Sensing that I was dealing with a shell, I didn't push the issue, but asked him to tell me about his life in Hungary.

-Wow, I've actually always had a job, and I even did my engineering degree here in Hungarian, and I learned Hungarian quite quickly, because it's necessary in our profession.
The company I was working for always started off well, but then something always came along that made things worse, I had to move on, or the company I was working for went bust in the recession.

The inherited patterns were clear to see, which always made Noah feel like a dog's breakfast. Noah wanted to break out because he wanted to escape the poverty he had lived in as a child. The problem is that the parallels in his life had not yet been cleared, the time for the "aha" realizations had not yet come, because he was not ready to accept them. 

You can rightly say, reading these, that everything is so mysterious, mystical...(secrecy is a must) To avoid selling you a sackful of cats, I will briefly outline what could solve the problem and what Noah is carrying with him. 

The problem and how to solve it

Noah took on the adult, dependent father role early on, the rescuer, the helper. 

His family supported this, as no one wanted to change anything, and their family dynamics still work that way today. The current adult Noah, on the other hand, is looking for a way to get out of this role, but there is a strong bond that does not allow it, as the family system is the strongest pattern. The child Noah also "speaks out" as he tolerates humiliation from his boss, always choosing bosses who control, do not acknowledge, humiliate... Parents are the PARENTS, the PEOPLE, no matter how messy a life they have created for us. 

Apparently/actually, Noah has moved up the ladder, from janitor to cleaner to manager, but the root of the problems and feelings are the same as they were almost 30 years ago. Noah has lost his (self-)confidence, his self-worth has entered a dim field. 

He is afraid to change, fearing that the role of head of the family he has had since childhood will be lost. He is used to being controlled and manipulated and cannot assert himself.

Noah's problem will be solved when we get to the point where he sees, recognizes the connections, wants to change, wants to get rid of the burden of the past of his own free will, and maybe a better life than my parents' is in his heart, not just in his words and thoughts.

Noah's childish pattern of having to rescue the adult has to be reprogrammed, he has to live the child, the feelings, and the burden has to be released, we learn this through writing, with some practice, coaching and positive psychology, analysis is also a supportive tool in this case.

This cannot be done quickly

There are still steps to take, if Noah wants to. I, as his helper and coach, have to wait patiently for him to be ready for the journey, I can't climb Kilimanjaro straight away because he would crash and injure himself and then I wouldn't be an authentic career coach.

The only thing I can do is to support him, to help him when he asks for it, but I do it with all my might, so that he can reach the top as soon as possible, climb the mountain in front of him. 

I will provide him with all the tools

• training plan
• strategy tasks
• I nourish you spiritually and mentally, so that you may have enough strength to reach the goal you have set for yourself with triumph and satisfaction. 

Yes, Noah has a purpose, because he would not have come to me. He wanted to make a change and he knew that I didn't have a magic spiral or a magic wand and that the burden of 30 years could not be solved with a flick of the wrist. The good news is that even in a few months there is noticeable joy and positive change (we are now in the Buda hills and will soon reach the Mátra).

We need to recognise the seemingly small positive changes, pat ourselves on the back, encourage Noah, inspire him, keep him going. I will show Him the light at the end of the tunnel, if He wants.

Eliminating inherited patterns

Recent scientific research, which is now of broad interest, also suggests that the effects of trauma can be passed on from one generation to the next. This 'legacy' is called inherited family trauma, and there is more evidence of single-family patterns suggesting that this is indeed a phenomenon.

The pain doesn't always go away on its own," says Mark Wollyn, in addition to having experienced it myself. If we seek the help of a counsellor who is skilled in this, it is easier to understand the present and past context of our relationships.For example, if an individual's grandfather has suffered a material loss, the grandchild will naturally suffer a myriad of material and moral losses if that fate is carried on by the child. If we recognize the inherited patterns, then the process of "healing" starts, if we reprogram them to a new, positive pattern, and we are able to apply it in practice to everyday life, then the letting go has happened, and we move into a so-called other quality of life, dimension. Moreover, our descendants will no longer have to deal with such problems. Isn't this a wonderful journey, full of good intentions and gifts for us and our children?